thejones’ blog

Anything can trigger my sadness--anything.  It can be watching people shopping for a new house, a show about people losing weight, a cooking show, or even watching a movie like "Big"...  Yes, pretty much anything I watch makes me feel sad and worthless. 

Whatever...I don't care.  It's what I feel like right now. 

My husband keeps telling me that I need to go back to my doctor and get back on my lamictal and cymbalta.  I can't.  I'm self destructive.  In a way, I want to just blow up like a bomb on a timer.  Yes, it depresses other people.  But, right now I need to write all of this so that I can come back and look at it all. 

I hate being here in the southwest and in a way I blame my parents.  I don't know what to think.  I love coming from a multicultural family, but it's hard.  Even though I'm American, I've spent most of my life outside of the United States.  I feel like an outsider here.  I feel like I don't have the same foundation as everyone else.  I'm very self conscious of myself and my differences. 

Recently, I applied for a job and got a call from company within ten minutes of posting my resume.  But, when I walked in a couple of days later, they told me they didn't think I was right for the job.  It made me feel self conscious and confused.  They initially called me saying that I was perfect for the job.  When I came in, they didn't even give me an interview.  They just looked at me and told me that my resume didn't reflect the requirements for the job.  Did they say this because I look different?

Even though I was born an American citizen, I don't quite understand the culture. 
Is this normal and am I just being paranoid???  I feel like they didn't want me for the job because I am multiracial and they are not used to seeing people who look like me.  I mean, I've never been one to pull out the race card.  But, it's the feeling I've gotten since moving here and it's a small town. 

I feel miserable.  I just want to cry.  I feel like I'll always be a bum and even thought it's hard and scary to admit I think of ways to kill myself. 

It's nothing new.  I've felt the effects for depression for years now.  But, I've never felt more suicidal.  Truth is...I don't want to kill myself--I don't.  I have the most wonderful husband in the world.  But, I feel guilty because, when I'm alone, I think of ways I can die and make it look accidental.  I want to live and I don't want to go against my religious beliefs. 

Besides, it all comes down to the fact that I want to make some changes in my life and for whatever reason, I am too scared to try.  I have a job interview this week.  It doesn't pay that great, but they want to fly me out for the interview.  I don't think that I will go to the interview, because I will have to relocate without my husband.  Part of me feels great that I would even get such a great opportunity.  The overachieving part of me, feels like it is just reinforcing the fact that I am not good enough. 

I know I am good enough. 

I can't make myself believe...

I have a knot in my stomach.  Here I was, thinking I had made some progress.  I'm just angry at myself, because I have been trying to make a conscious effort to think positive.  

I just kept thinking about how worthless and dependent I feel.  I thought about how I am 24 years old and still don't know what to do with my life.  I thought about being unemployed.  But, the worst feeling of all is feeling lazy and not really wanting to do anything about it.  I mean, it's a horrible thing to say.  But, it's the truth. I want to give up.

Ok...let me make a list of the things that have been hard for me in the past 3 years:

• Husband deployed 5 times
  
• Having to deal with car problems, inspections, and huge bills from car problems in a foreign country while husband was deployed
• Being incorrectly diagnosed with Crohn's Disease for over a year
• Gaining 35lbs after being put on steroid medication for a nonexistent illness
  
• Short term stay in a mental hospital
• Stress of moving back to the US from a foreign country, buying two new cars, and a house
• Worrying about expensive repairs on house after a huge storm 6 months later.
  
• Working in two different hellholes
• Landing a great job offer and then having the company pull back their offer.  Later on, I found out that one of my coworkers somehow found out about this, talked shit about me to my boss, and that I got a bad reference in retaliation.
  
• Worrying about bills and feeling like crap for not contributing financially
• Moving back to the US and feeling like an outsider.
  

Now for the good things that have happened in the past 3 years:

• Building a stronger relationship with my husband
• Moving back to Japan
• Meeting up with old friends in Tokyo and sharing a piece of my history with my husband.
• Having the opportunity to teach English in Japan for 3 years.
• Being able to buy our first house
• Finally admitting my issues from being emotionally and verbally abused as a child
• Becoming closer to my parents and sisters

...and that is all.  I wish there were more good things on the list.  But, I don't feel like I have the energy or drive to really change my life.   That being said, I am gonna try to make this my only pity party this week.  Even though I feel like giving up, I won't.  I'm just scared.

I think it's been at least a couple of weeks since I stepped out of my house.  Wait, no...I think I left the house once about a week ago and sat in the car while the hubby did some grocery shopping.  Anyway, the point is that I've made some progress.  I actually, put on some makeup, got dressed, and went somewhere.

It's a great feeling.  I've gone through a couple of friends since I've been here.  They all turned out to be psycho as usual--except for one.  But, that's a different story for another day.  The point is...I went out and I enjoyed myself. 

In other news, I got this verse in my inbox today when I got back:

So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though
on the outside it often looks like things are falling
apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new
life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace.

2 Corinthians 4:16 (The Message)

How fitting! 

This whole dieting thing is way too hard.  I don't mind the healthy food. My problem is that I want to eat too much of it.  Today, I made cabbage soup and thin crust pizza with no cheese, tomato and mushrooms.  I'm going hungry.  I want mooore.  I'd also like a big tub of peanut butter :P...

My dog annoys me.  Maybe it's because he reminds me of myself sometimes.  But, he's become such a little brat.  (hmm...like me?)  He has started crying and sitting outside of his doggie door.

He used to go in and out as he pleased.  Now he goes out and sits outside crying until I open up the door and let him in.  I don't know why, but this annoys me.  I feel like he is being lazy (like me) and I feel like he is just trying to get attention.  Then again, I realize that my dog is just being a dog.  I'm using a dog as sort of a symbolic representation of myself.  I feel like I'm lazy and I feel like I am not worthy of being loved sometimes.  This has nothing to do with my dog. 

If I weren't lazy I wouldn't have any problem with getting up and letting him in the house.  But, I am lazy and I do have a problem with getting up off of the couch.  I'm angry with myself and I just realized all of this.  Wow...this isn't about the dog.

What's one thing you regret doing, or not doing? 
Submitted by ashleyy.

I was finishing up my last year of high school in a small town.  It was a far cry from the prep school that I went to while I was living abroad.

I looked down on everyone.  I thought the kids were simple, immature, and closed-minded.  Anyway, I fell in love during my last month of high school.  We were and still are inseparable almost seven years later.  He was my great escape from a critical and emotionally abusive family life. 

My first year of college went nothing like I had envisioned.  My parents did not like the idea of me being so far away from home.  I think they hated the thought of not being able to control me. 

My first month in school, my parents sent me a bill for $1200 and told me they refused to help me in any expenses I incurred.  I would wake up, almost every morning, to dozens of voice mails from my drunken father.  He would call me a slut, whore, and unappreciative bitch almost every day. 

The pressure from my family weighed on me so much and eventually I stopped answering my telephone.  My heart would pound any time I heard the phone ring.  (I'm still afraid of the phone).  As I withdrew from my family, I became closer to Thomas. 

I went on shopping sprees with my scholarship money and chopped all of my hair off.  I raged on my roommates and  my grades eventually faltered.  I gained weight, I dropped out of school, and threw all of my goals aside.  My negative thoughts about myself became a reality.  The things that I thought were true, and never really were, became my reality. 

In a way, I regret the circumstances that led me to being so weak and dropping out of school. 

I think that the real moral of this story is that, once I stopped thinking so positively, I started to attract the negative. 

My nighttime ritual usually consists of one or more of the following:

• snacking
• drinking
• watching shows on my dvr list
• being paranoid
  
• talking to my sister on the phone
• feeling sorry for myself

But those days are soon to be over!  *insert dramatic pause*

Tonight was the second night that I exercised.  I popped in a workout dvd that was undoubtedly filmed in the early nineties.  Nonetheless, there's something comforting and un-intimidating about the cheesy music, neon spandex, and big hair.  I felt great, but I didn't manage to finish the 60 minute video.  Still, I felt pretty happy with myself.  I just don't want to jinx myself by getting so happy. 

Dear hubby is at work right now.  Only 4 more hours to go.